The First Birthday Blues

The big day is right around the corner...
My little's man FIRST birthday.
It's like a bittersweet feeling.
On one hand, the excitement, the thrill, the giddiness of this big milestone. A significant milestone.
And on the other, the wee sadness, the little heartbreak over how time is flying by too fast.
My baby boy, my first child, my "papoutte" as I call him, is already a year old.

No matter how many times I repeat it in my mind, I can barely believe it.
Our trip back home from the hospital feels like yesterday.
During the course of this whole year, I kept thinking of all the little moments that were ahead of me, waiting...
Kept reassuring myself they were still so far away, that I still had all the time in the world until they got here.
Next thing I knew, those moments were in my rearview mirror... long gone.
I barely had time to taste them, enjoy them, savour them.
Besides the memories, the only thing I have to hold on to are pictures and videos, capturing our mini-us in every striking pose and with every expression humanly possible... submerging our computer.
I genuinely did not think it was possible to take so many pictures of a loved one... until he was born.
There goes another, amongst so many, personal thought of mine that changed once the motherhood journey began for me.
As the days go by, I grow with conflicting feelings inside of me.
They are battling and torturing me.
The proudness I have for my son for being so accomplished at his age...
The gratitude I have at how life has blessed us...
The regret of not having soaked all the little moments in enough...
The melancholy of not having a baby who's entirely dependant on me anymore...
He's growing up.
Slowly becoming a toddler... to a child... to then a teenager... to finally mature into a man.
I know what you are saying, "Slow down, he is not there yet!".
Although I could bet you everything I possess, next thing I know, he will be asking me for the car keys!
And at that moment in time, I will be asking myself "Where did the time go???", while
reminiscing of his first birthday...

And so, as I am planning the last details of his first birthday that will officially be arriving in 48 hours now, I am making sure I am indulging in the moment.
Because there will only be one first birthday.
Considering that this is a moment that only happens once in a lifetime.
Even though there will be many, many more birthdays to come, this one is special.
Indisputably beyond special in my heart.
No words will ever fully portray the feeling.

Thus, I wanted to make this day more than special. I wanted to go that little extra mile.Not being quite certain if he will totally appreciate the full extent of it, at lease I know he will be happy.
He will be content, in his heart, during the course of that one special day.
And one day, when he will be old enough to comprehend the facts of life, he will then, at least I hope, realize what Mommy and Daddy did for him, and how deep our love for him runs...